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How To...
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 "
Back in My Day, we didn't have these here How To pages. We had to figure
it out on our own."
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- Make the dress code at least semi-formal. There's nothing better than drunk people, nice clothes and snow.
- Have all of your guests sign an insurance waiver form upon arrival.
- The afternoon before, create "Black Ice" all around the premises.
- Get a rental port-a-potty and tell the guests your toilet plumbing went out at the last minute.
- Place hidden web cams in all the bedrooms and bathrooms.
- Spike all punches and munchies with exotic additives. Use imagination and your own sense of legality here.
- For those folks you really didn't want showing up, tip the cops when they leave. Be sure to have an agreement with the officers, they need the busts and you can use the cash!
- Set all your clocks ahead one hour. Or set them two hours if your folks are really getting smashed. It makes midnight happen a few times instead of one.
- Have plenty of film and camcorders on hand for the inevitable drunken, jealous, women cat fights.
- Have breakfast catered in. Your guests who stay will love you.
- Tell them you work for WSBnG!
- Bring booze and paraphernalia. Especially exotic items.
- Bring your own keg.
- Arrive with two or more women instead of a single date.
- Bring the hidden cam footage from your last great party.
- Wear outlandish Holiday clothing.
- Show up first, leave last.
- Always bring a beer bong, no matter how old you are.
- Reserve a bedroom at the party house before you arrive.
- Tell the ladies you may not be a member of WSBnG, but you were Guest of the Month.
- Tell women you just had a death in the family. Act sad.
- Act gay. But tell the women that you have always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman.
- Tell ladies you are just divorced, separated or you broke up with your girlfriend because she was to "hostile".
- Preach equal rights for women and actually treat them as equals while at the party.
- Wear a wedding ring.
- Gossip with women about other men and couples.
- Bring specially made food dishes that "took all day, whew!" to make.
- Sing favorite Holiday songs solo.
- Be there as a shoulder to cry on for the inevitable drunken, jealous, women cat fight loser.
- Tell them you hate the WSBnG web site.
- As soon as you are introduced to a female, ask them if they want to have sex right now.
- Have a four wheel drive truck outside for "fun, sex and rescue purposes".
- Bring "Toys".
- Make outrageous claims and back them up with proof.
- Make outrageous bets and win them.
- Flirt with all the women equally, thus creating an inevitable drunken, jealous, women cat fight, survival of the fittest outcome.
- Never wear underwear.
- Be sure to let slip to the ladies that "it's NOT how you use
it, it's how big it is!".
- Do amazing tongue tricks for bets.
- Just tell them you work for WSBnG!
- If you are a woman, don't drive.
- Use chains on your tires, especially when the snow has already begun to thaw. It tears up your streets and gives you a reason to have the city come out
and give you a brand new street in spring.
- If you own a four wheel drive, drive as normal: go over the speed limit, pass other vehicles on the highway and be reckless.
- Spend at least two hours of every day in the local mall parking lot doing donuts.
- Use "liquid de-ice" to thaw your entire vehicle completely before driving.
- Throw scalding hot water on your neighbors heavily ice covered windshield for him in the morning. He'll love you for it. Trust us.
- Mount a snow plow on the front of your vehicle, no matter what size auto you have.
- Drive drunk. It's the only time the cops will think you're not swerving because you are inebriated.
- Pack liquor and porn in your trunk in case your car is stranded in the snow along side the highway.
- Drive naked and help stranded motorists.
- Watch it at home with a good entertainment system! See "Reasons
for watching a movie at home" for more info.
- Do not allow anyone else who has seen the movie to watch the movie
with you.
- Take your phone off the hook.
- All children out of the room (including any people that can't or
won't shut up).
- Have all munchies and beverages (usually containing alcohol)
prepared and within reaching distance.
- Turn down lighting.
- Turn volume up.
- Fast forward past all advertisements and movie previews (don't skip,
just fast forward).
- Issue one, only one, last warning to anyone else in the room about
the consequences of talking during the movie (be creative yet just).
- Get comfortable, relax and enjoy the movie.
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- Comfort of the Home.
- Video or DVD (preferred) costs less especially if you want to see a
flick multiple times.
- Tub of popcorn does not cost you your first born child.
- Alcohol is allowed.
- Nudity is allowed.
- No kids running up and down the aisles, shouting and throwing crap.
- No annoying bastard who has already seen the movie sits behind you
trying to impress his date with his all-knowing insight as to what is
happening in the film.
- Same bastard mentioned above does not have his feet under your chair
and kicking your drink over, or propped next to your shoulder.
- The movie may be paused for potty breaks, or a scene may be replayed
because it needed expert review by your acclaimed Director talent.
- Alcohol and nudity is allowed.
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- NEVER GRAB A CART (only buy what you can carry ). A
cart makes it to hard to slalom the end caps.
- Never go down the main isle buy the check out lines.
Blue Hairs* hang out there for the discount hard candy.
- Always look Blue Hairs in the
eye. If you show fear your screwed.
- Run exactly to where your items are in the store. If
you don't know where it is you don't need it.
- Never get anything on the
discount rack (orange tag products). They never ring up right and they
add an easy ten minutes to the ordeal.
- Once you get what you need go directly to the check
out. Do not get distracted it could be a fatal mistake. IT'S BETTER
SAFE THAN SORRY!
- Once at the checkout don't always get in the shortest
line. This is a rookie mistake. Check to see who's in the line and how
many products they have (here's where the Blue Hairs can hamstring
you).
- Ignore the Star and Enquirer. if your even caught
looking, your labeled a nancy boy or worse.
- Never use coupons. What a farce! Always pay with cash. Small change if you are
thoroughly pissed off.
- Keep moving till you're out of
the store. Focus eyes forward with your car keys already in your hand.
Also, have your predetermined escape route in memory.
* Blue Hairs are old women that are usually nosey, rude,
stingy, and smell bad. Also seen (usually just the top of their heads)
driving cars.
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